How to Connect With Non-Writers: A Guide

This post is dedicated to all the people in my life who aren’t writers but put up with me and my craziness anyway: 
Most importantly- Mom and Dad, thank you for everything. You are appreciated more than you will know. And Danielle and Stephie, you too are appreciated beyond words.

Hello, my lovelies!

Last week I talked to non-writers about how to talk to writers and this week I wanted to flip that around and discuss how writers can talk to people who don’t write.

As I mentioned last week we writers are a strange bunch. We’re full of quirks and idiosyncrasies, our mind working in ways that are complicated and confusing. We live in so many different worlds and stories and characters are as part of us as our childhood home or our church. We’re connected to fictional people and places and we create worlds and control lives with nothing but words.

So when the time comes to pull ourselves from those fictional places and we’re forced to interact with “normal” people, how do we do that? How do we talk to someone who doesn’t understand us and can’t even begin to?

Get Rid of That Attitude:

First and foremost, set aside the idea that someone who doesn’t write can’t understand you. Obviously the way your brain is wired is different than the brain of someone who isn’t a writer; that doesn’t mean your brain is more complex than theirs or more interesting.

One of my closest friends laughed at me and told me “no” when I told her she had a really good idea and she should write a book. She has no interest in being a writer and has no intention of changing her mind anytime soon.

I still love her to pieces. She lets me ramble to her about my stories and tells me to go write when I tell her I haven’t made my word count for the day. She teases me and coaxes me and bribes me to write. She gets excited for me when I reach a major milestone and is there for me when I’m stuck and need someone to commiserate with me.

She might not be a writer, but she’s there. She has made an effort to understand me and make my life a part of hers.

And then, as I mentioned in the dedication, my parents and sister have gone out of their way to let me be who I am, to understand me, to keep up with the way my brain works, and to not only tolerate but encourage my writing to thrive. So don’t ever think your brain is too special or weird for other people to understand. It’s not and you are so much better off for it.

Stop Making Writing Your Identity:

My brother-in-law isn’t a writer. But he codes like nobody’s business and understands the language of computers on a level I will never even begin to understand. He understands math and science when those things just make my head spin.

That doesn’t mean one of us has a better brain and that doesn’t mean that one of us is superior to the other. And it certainly doesn’t mean we can’t understand each other. I might not understand his coding just as he might not understand my writing. But neither of those things is who we are. Those are merely things we do.

It’s really easy for us as people to take on labels and make them our identity. But while I might be a daughter, a writer, a teacher, and a friend none of those things is my sole purpose or identity. While I might have different hobbies or interests, none of those things define me indefinitely.

It’s really easy to hide behind your writing identity- I say this as someone who is insecure and likes to hide behind anything I can get my hands on. So it’s easy to use your writing as a shield to keep everyone else at bay, to put a level of fantasy between yourself and reality.

But in the end, just like anything else, that box becomes so constricting and it will keep you from meaningful relationships.

Get Rid of the “Us” and “Them” Mentality:

I spend a lot of time with writers. They are “my people” and being with them I feel accepted and understood. In last week’s post I mentioned the judgement that often comes from the questions of non-writers and being around people who you know aren’t going to ask you those same questions is refreshing. You can be yourself- your strange, quirky self- and not have to worry about people judging you.

But guess what? People who don’t write are strange too. She insists she’s normal, but let me tell you, my sister is as quirky as they come (I mean that in the best way possible). She has all those little things about her that make her who she is and it’s wonderful.

But too often as writers we get so excited about the acceptance we find within our own “tribe” that we write off (no pun intended) relationships with people who don’t write, people who aren’t like us, because going out on that limb and making those connections is hard.

Life isn’t about finding our tribe. It’s about meeting people where they are and appreciating the unique perspective they bring to life. It would be super weird if the only reason my dad and I were able to have a relationship was because I worked that one summer at the same mortgage company as him. Or how out-there would it be if my mom’s only friends were other crossing guards?

My mom and I, we’re wired very differently and because of that she helps me see things I never would have otherwise. She keeps me grounded and brings strength to my weaknesses. She’s able to look at certain things more objectively than I am and I need her to offer that perspective.

Remember People Can’t Read Your Mind:

I asked some non-writers in my life about what they might want us writers to understand or keep in mind when talking to them. And there seemed to be a common theme in their answers.

Remember that people aren’t inside your head. When you start talking about a story the person you’re talking to doesn’t automatically know what story that’s from. And if you don’t specify that a character is fictional, people might even think you’re talking about a real person!

I tend to jump around from story to story when I’m writing and I just assume my family can keep up. But unfortunately, for all his amazing efforts to do so, my dad can’t if I tell him Thursday evening about the story I’m working and then switch to another story Friday morning without warning. When I start talking about the new story on Friday evening, he has no idea that I switched. He wasn’t there in my brain that morning or reading over my shoulder all day- thankfully- and so in his mind we’re still on the story from Thursday evening.

Same goes for fictional characters- just because you told your sister about that one character that one time, when you start talking about Sarah two weeks later she isn’t going to know who you’re talking about. And she’s quite possibly going to assume you’re talking about a mutual acquaintance with that name or that Sarah is someone you met recently. And just because she askes “Who’s Sarah???” in that tone that says she has no idea what you’re talking about, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. It means she’s confused because she can’t read your mind. She doesn’t know Sarah isn’t a real person. She doesn’t know Sarah is yet another one of your characters in a very long line of your characters.

So just remember people can’t read your mind. Nor do they have any way of keeping up with it if you don’t explain things to them. It just takes a little extra mindfulness on your part and maybe an extra sentence or two. “So I switched stories I’m working on. I’m writing a sci-fi about cats who live on Mars. [Proceed into whatever you wanted to say]” or “You might remember me telling you about my character Sarah- she lives during the Great Depression and she and her brother are trying to find their father. [Proceed with whatever you wanted to say about her]”

In the End, Remember Life Isn’t About Writing:

A lot of my life revolves around writing- besides my own writing I also teach writing, blog about writing, read books to review so I dissect them on how they were written, and assist other with their own stories and writing. And when I’m not doing those things I’m consuming media and looking for the story in it just because that’s how my brain is wired- books, movies, shows, music, even television commercials.

But in the midst of all that God has been working in me to remind me that all those things that mean so much to me aren’t always the most important thing in the world. Not every situation needs me to analyze it from a literary angle and I don’t always need to equate everything to something that happens to one of my own characters or some other fictional character I love.

Sometimes my stories get in the way. Sometimes I get so caught up in fiction and the lives and problems of fictional people that I forget to be invested in the moment. I forget to look at the people in front of me- to really look at them and see them as something more than inspiration.

Remember to hit pause on your stories sometimes. Remember to hit play on life. Instead of going into conversations afraid of being judged, look for opportunities to learn about the people in front of you. Who are they, besides someone who has decided opinions about your chosen career or hobby? What makes them tick? What are their passions? What makes them laugh? What did they struggle with this week? What are they dreading or looking forward to in the week to come?

Look for opportunities to connect with people. If they were a fictional character you’d be all over getting to know them. Take that same interest in the people around you and you might actually find that they’re just as complex and intriguing as fiction. They too have stories to tell, if you only listen.

I hope to see you all on Friday for another review. Until the next time we meet, don’t forget to live happily ever after <3

~Jennifer Sauer, the Ivory Palace Princess

P.S. Let’s Chat! As a non-writer, what are some things you wish writers would understand? Or, as a writer, what are some things you’ve been learning lately about interacting with people?

How To Talk To Writers: A Guide

Hello my lovelies!

Today I wanted to talk about writers.

We’re a strange breed, don’t you think?

We can be introverted or extroverted, young or old. We come in all shapes, sizes, and races. The only thing we all really have in common is we’re all creatives who have a story (or several stories) to tell.

Also, we can be hard to talk to.

Now some of this is on us. We can be intimidating to talk to because writing, while a common enough career choice, isn’t one people come in contact with all the time. Writers are like garbage workers- you know they exist but how often do you really meet one?

And when you don’t come in contact with us very often it’s understandable that it can be hard to know what to say to us. And while it’s certainly a generalization and one that by no means applies to all writers, a lot of times we’re introverted individuals. We can be quiet, reserved, shy, whatever you want to call it. So when you start talking to us, while you’re being friendly, we’re a little nervous and what is coming across as maybe disinterest, snobbery, or shortness is nothing more than anxiety.

Introverted or extroverted, we’re wondering if you’re judging us. Because we’ve all been judged before. Are you going to tell me my career choice is a bad one? Are you going to make that same “joke” everyone makes about how you hope I like to starve or that I need to get used to rejection? Are you going to tell me that I should be writing this new idea you came up with the other day? Are you going to ask why I don’t just self-publish my books because you have a cousin who did that and it’s so easy?

But what else are you supposed to say? How are you supposed to talk to these strange and oh-so-fascinating individuals?

Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!

Please Don’t Ask If We’re Still Writing:

Chances are if you talked to me a few months ago about my writing or you remember my mom mentioning it to you when you saw her at the store last week, then yes. I am still writing. Writing is a very important thing to me so when asked if I still am it comes across that maybe it isn’t obvious how seriously I take my writing. And that hurts. I want to make this a career so when asked about it as if it’s merely a passing craze can be a bit annoying.

Also the answer to that question is a one word “Yes.” I’m not sure if you actually care more about that and want me to elaborate or if you’re just being polite and would hate it if I went into detail about my writing.

Instead Maybe Ask:

“What are you writing?” If I’m not working on something it will be no different than the question above where I say I’m not and we move on. But there is a very high chance I’m working on something and I am usually very excited to talk about it. I have an answer to that question.

Other questions that are good to ask are “So what exactly do you love so much about writing?” “Why are your characters special to you?” “What does your writing routine look like?” “How often do you sit down to write?” or really any question directed to get the writer to talk about their writing. If you have questions we would rather you ask those, would rather share that part of our lives with you, than have you ask a question with a one word answer.

Please Don’t Make Jokes About Our Choices:

We know writing is hard. We know making a career out of it will likely pay little and that we might even have to get another job to support ourselves. We know that rejection letters are a common thing and we are going to have to accept them. We know. Any friendly advice you feel the need to offer in the form of a joke we have heard before. So many times before.

And it hurts, honestly. When you tell us you work at a bank or as a teacher or a secretary or in retail or customer service or any other career that isn’t in the arts we don’t make jokes about those. Or we shouldn’t. You know how annoying it is when people make jokes about your job or talk about it like they know more than you do. It’s the same with writers. Ours is a career choice like any other.

Instead Maybe Ask:

Again, ask why we’ve chosen that career. It’s crazy if you think about it- we know we’ve chosen a job that may never make us any money. We understand the truth behind the starving artist stereotype. So why, knowing what we know, have we still chosen to follow that career? Instead of assuming it’s because we’re delusional or don’t understand what we’re getting into, ask us what our reasons are.

Because trust me, we have them. There are as many reasons as there are writers but I promise that every writer has their reasons. So if you want to know, please ask. We would love to tell you our reasons.

Please Don’t Tell Us Which Publishing Path to Take:

A lot of times when the fact that we’re a writer comes up, we’re asked about publishing. Have we done it? Do we plan to? What route are we going to take?

Publishing is a very complex world and one that should never be entered lightly (as I discuss at length here). Just because your cousin Martha self-published doesn’t mean it is right for every writer you come into contact with. In fact, there are a lot of writers it isn’t good for. But a lot of young, impressionable writers don’t know that and it is the people who don’t understand the publishing industry, who tell these writers that self-publishing "is a wonderful option!" that end up hurting writers in the end.

Writers need to do their research and seek the advice of professionals before they take any steps toward publishing. Just as we don’t tell you how to work toward getting a promotion at work, so too non-writers really shouldn’t be telling writers how to go about publishing their work. Self-publishing is something that needs to be approached with absolute surety that it is the right option for the writer. It's not right for everyone and if it isn’t right for a writer then doing it can hurt their chances of publishing traditionally in the future.

So please, if you take one thing away from this, please stop telling writers to self-publish.

Instead Maybe Ask:

What our publishing plans are. We’re either going to say traditional publishing, self-publishing, we don’t plan to publish, or we’re not sure. From there you have so many questions you can ask us! Why have we chosen the path that we did? If we don’t plan to publish then what drives us to still write consistently? Ask us what steps traditional or self-publishing entail and how we plan to approach them.

There are so many complexities to publishing and if we have the answers we would love to share them with you. So please don’t assume you know more than we do about any of this and instead maybe listen? Or if you want to share profound wisdom with us about something, tell us about your own job. I’m sure whatever career you’re in I know next to nothing about it and I would rather you tell me about it than you tell me how to do my own job.

Please Don’t Tell Us What to Write:

This one happens all the time. Someone finds out we’re a writer and their first response to it is “I had this idea that you should write.”

The problem with this is that most times it isn’t a genre we write. I write Young Adult Fairy Tale Retellings. Romantic Adventure Comedy is my preferred genre to write in and I write stories that are driven by characters and their interactions more so than plot. So when you start telling me about that hard sci-fi idea you had that I really need to write I honestly get overwhelmed. I can’t write hard sci-fi. I didn’t grow up with it and haven’t fully gotten into it since. So while I can appreciate it as a genre it’s not one I understand enough to actually write a story in. So you telling me I need to write the story puts me in a very awkward position.

How do I tell you no without it coming across that I hate the idea? But how do I tell you that I like the idea without it coming across that I plan to write it? I start to panic then and look for a very quick way out of this conversation. Which is sad, because I really did enjoy talking to you before this.

Instead Maybe:

Either ask about what we do write and what sort of things we’re working on or else just tell us you have an idea you’d like to write someday. Your idea probably isn’t a bad one; it’s just not something we want to write. Don’t take it personally.

And even if it is in the genre the person writes that doesn’t mean they have to love it to make it worth something. Sometimes an idea just doesn’t click for a certain writer. That doesn’t make it a bad idea, it just means that isn’t the writer to write it.

Please Don’t Ask Questions Out of Judgement:

As I have stated again and again, we writers really don’t like to be judged. No one likes being judged.

When I asked my writer friends what some things were they would like to be asked by non-writers or things they hated being asked the theme that popped up the most was that it wasn’t always the questions so much as how the question was asked.

“So why do you write?” can be a very loaded question. If you ask it out of genuine curiosity it makes us happy because we can share a piece of ourselves with you. But when asked out of judgement because you don’t deem it a worthy endeavor we pick up on that and it makes us not really want to continue with the conversation.

Same goes for any question you ask really.

Instead Maybe:

Ask out of genuine curiosity with a desire to hear our answers and have a conversation or change the subject. We aren’t going to be offended if you don’t want to talk about our writing.

Writing is a very personal thing to us. It is important and valuable and we are learning how to use it to say what we want to say, how to tell stories as we seek to understand the role stories play in our society, and how to understand ourselves and the people around us. It means something to us and it hurts when someone comes along and tells us condescendingly that they don’t approve of our choices.

We don’t ask you why you became a bank teller or a waitress or a mother or a sales clerk. We don’t offer snide comments and pointed looks about your wages or whether you offer anything of value to society. And if we do it’s wrong of us to do so. So very wrong.

So please, don’t do the same to us. Either seek to understand us or move on with your life. We have ourselves figured out and assuming that we don’t isn’t going to benefit either of us.

Thank You:

Some of my favorite people in the world are the ones who don’t write and don’t understand it at all but have taken the time to care because it means something to me. So to everyone I know who has played that role in my life, thank you.

And if you have a writer in your life, seek to play that role for them. I promise, we’re not so strange once you get to know us. We really do make sense, I swear.

What are some things you have learned from the writers in your life that you might not understand otherwise?

I hope to see you on Friday for a new book review. Until the next time we meet, don’t forget to live happily ever after <3

~Jennifer Sauer, the Ivory Palace Princess