How To Talk To Writers: A Guide

Hello my lovelies!

Today I wanted to talk about writers.

We’re a strange breed, don’t you think?

We can be introverted or extroverted, young or old. We come in all shapes, sizes, and races. The only thing we all really have in common is we’re all creatives who have a story (or several stories) to tell.

Also, we can be hard to talk to.

Now some of this is on us. We can be intimidating to talk to because writing, while a common enough career choice, isn’t one people come in contact with all the time. Writers are like garbage workers- you know they exist but how often do you really meet one?

And when you don’t come in contact with us very often it’s understandable that it can be hard to know what to say to us. And while it’s certainly a generalization and one that by no means applies to all writers, a lot of times we’re introverted individuals. We can be quiet, reserved, shy, whatever you want to call it. So when you start talking to us, while you’re being friendly, we’re a little nervous and what is coming across as maybe disinterest, snobbery, or shortness is nothing more than anxiety.

Introverted or extroverted, we’re wondering if you’re judging us. Because we’ve all been judged before. Are you going to tell me my career choice is a bad one? Are you going to make that same “joke” everyone makes about how you hope I like to starve or that I need to get used to rejection? Are you going to tell me that I should be writing this new idea you came up with the other day? Are you going to ask why I don’t just self-publish my books because you have a cousin who did that and it’s so easy?

But what else are you supposed to say? How are you supposed to talk to these strange and oh-so-fascinating individuals?

Don’t worry, I’ve got you covered!

Please Don’t Ask If We’re Still Writing:

Chances are if you talked to me a few months ago about my writing or you remember my mom mentioning it to you when you saw her at the store last week, then yes. I am still writing. Writing is a very important thing to me so when asked if I still am it comes across that maybe it isn’t obvious how seriously I take my writing. And that hurts. I want to make this a career so when asked about it as if it’s merely a passing craze can be a bit annoying.

Also the answer to that question is a one word “Yes.” I’m not sure if you actually care more about that and want me to elaborate or if you’re just being polite and would hate it if I went into detail about my writing.

Instead Maybe Ask:

“What are you writing?” If I’m not working on something it will be no different than the question above where I say I’m not and we move on. But there is a very high chance I’m working on something and I am usually very excited to talk about it. I have an answer to that question.

Other questions that are good to ask are “So what exactly do you love so much about writing?” “Why are your characters special to you?” “What does your writing routine look like?” “How often do you sit down to write?” or really any question directed to get the writer to talk about their writing. If you have questions we would rather you ask those, would rather share that part of our lives with you, than have you ask a question with a one word answer.

Please Don’t Make Jokes About Our Choices:

We know writing is hard. We know making a career out of it will likely pay little and that we might even have to get another job to support ourselves. We know that rejection letters are a common thing and we are going to have to accept them. We know. Any friendly advice you feel the need to offer in the form of a joke we have heard before. So many times before.

And it hurts, honestly. When you tell us you work at a bank or as a teacher or a secretary or in retail or customer service or any other career that isn’t in the arts we don’t make jokes about those. Or we shouldn’t. You know how annoying it is when people make jokes about your job or talk about it like they know more than you do. It’s the same with writers. Ours is a career choice like any other.

Instead Maybe Ask:

Again, ask why we’ve chosen that career. It’s crazy if you think about it- we know we’ve chosen a job that may never make us any money. We understand the truth behind the starving artist stereotype. So why, knowing what we know, have we still chosen to follow that career? Instead of assuming it’s because we’re delusional or don’t understand what we’re getting into, ask us what our reasons are.

Because trust me, we have them. There are as many reasons as there are writers but I promise that every writer has their reasons. So if you want to know, please ask. We would love to tell you our reasons.

Please Don’t Tell Us Which Publishing Path to Take:

A lot of times when the fact that we’re a writer comes up, we’re asked about publishing. Have we done it? Do we plan to? What route are we going to take?

Publishing is a very complex world and one that should never be entered lightly (as I discuss at length here). Just because your cousin Martha self-published doesn’t mean it is right for every writer you come into contact with. In fact, there are a lot of writers it isn’t good for. But a lot of young, impressionable writers don’t know that and it is the people who don’t understand the publishing industry, who tell these writers that self-publishing "is a wonderful option!" that end up hurting writers in the end.

Writers need to do their research and seek the advice of professionals before they take any steps toward publishing. Just as we don’t tell you how to work toward getting a promotion at work, so too non-writers really shouldn’t be telling writers how to go about publishing their work. Self-publishing is something that needs to be approached with absolute surety that it is the right option for the writer. It's not right for everyone and if it isn’t right for a writer then doing it can hurt their chances of publishing traditionally in the future.

So please, if you take one thing away from this, please stop telling writers to self-publish.

Instead Maybe Ask:

What our publishing plans are. We’re either going to say traditional publishing, self-publishing, we don’t plan to publish, or we’re not sure. From there you have so many questions you can ask us! Why have we chosen the path that we did? If we don’t plan to publish then what drives us to still write consistently? Ask us what steps traditional or self-publishing entail and how we plan to approach them.

There are so many complexities to publishing and if we have the answers we would love to share them with you. So please don’t assume you know more than we do about any of this and instead maybe listen? Or if you want to share profound wisdom with us about something, tell us about your own job. I’m sure whatever career you’re in I know next to nothing about it and I would rather you tell me about it than you tell me how to do my own job.

Please Don’t Tell Us What to Write:

This one happens all the time. Someone finds out we’re a writer and their first response to it is “I had this idea that you should write.”

The problem with this is that most times it isn’t a genre we write. I write Young Adult Fairy Tale Retellings. Romantic Adventure Comedy is my preferred genre to write in and I write stories that are driven by characters and their interactions more so than plot. So when you start telling me about that hard sci-fi idea you had that I really need to write I honestly get overwhelmed. I can’t write hard sci-fi. I didn’t grow up with it and haven’t fully gotten into it since. So while I can appreciate it as a genre it’s not one I understand enough to actually write a story in. So you telling me I need to write the story puts me in a very awkward position.

How do I tell you no without it coming across that I hate the idea? But how do I tell you that I like the idea without it coming across that I plan to write it? I start to panic then and look for a very quick way out of this conversation. Which is sad, because I really did enjoy talking to you before this.

Instead Maybe:

Either ask about what we do write and what sort of things we’re working on or else just tell us you have an idea you’d like to write someday. Your idea probably isn’t a bad one; it’s just not something we want to write. Don’t take it personally.

And even if it is in the genre the person writes that doesn’t mean they have to love it to make it worth something. Sometimes an idea just doesn’t click for a certain writer. That doesn’t make it a bad idea, it just means that isn’t the writer to write it.

Please Don’t Ask Questions Out of Judgement:

As I have stated again and again, we writers really don’t like to be judged. No one likes being judged.

When I asked my writer friends what some things were they would like to be asked by non-writers or things they hated being asked the theme that popped up the most was that it wasn’t always the questions so much as how the question was asked.

“So why do you write?” can be a very loaded question. If you ask it out of genuine curiosity it makes us happy because we can share a piece of ourselves with you. But when asked out of judgement because you don’t deem it a worthy endeavor we pick up on that and it makes us not really want to continue with the conversation.

Same goes for any question you ask really.

Instead Maybe:

Ask out of genuine curiosity with a desire to hear our answers and have a conversation or change the subject. We aren’t going to be offended if you don’t want to talk about our writing.

Writing is a very personal thing to us. It is important and valuable and we are learning how to use it to say what we want to say, how to tell stories as we seek to understand the role stories play in our society, and how to understand ourselves and the people around us. It means something to us and it hurts when someone comes along and tells us condescendingly that they don’t approve of our choices.

We don’t ask you why you became a bank teller or a waitress or a mother or a sales clerk. We don’t offer snide comments and pointed looks about your wages or whether you offer anything of value to society. And if we do it’s wrong of us to do so. So very wrong.

So please, don’t do the same to us. Either seek to understand us or move on with your life. We have ourselves figured out and assuming that we don’t isn’t going to benefit either of us.

Thank You:

Some of my favorite people in the world are the ones who don’t write and don’t understand it at all but have taken the time to care because it means something to me. So to everyone I know who has played that role in my life, thank you.

And if you have a writer in your life, seek to play that role for them. I promise, we’re not so strange once you get to know us. We really do make sense, I swear.

What are some things you have learned from the writers in your life that you might not understand otherwise?

I hope to see you on Friday for a new book review. Until the next time we meet, don’t forget to live happily ever after <3

~Jennifer Sauer, the Ivory Palace Princess