How to Connect With Non-Writers: A Guide

This post is dedicated to all the people in my life who aren’t writers but put up with me and my craziness anyway: 
Most importantly- Mom and Dad, thank you for everything. You are appreciated more than you will know. And Danielle and Stephie, you too are appreciated beyond words.

Hello, my lovelies!

Last week I talked to non-writers about how to talk to writers and this week I wanted to flip that around and discuss how writers can talk to people who don’t write.

As I mentioned last week we writers are a strange bunch. We’re full of quirks and idiosyncrasies, our mind working in ways that are complicated and confusing. We live in so many different worlds and stories and characters are as part of us as our childhood home or our church. We’re connected to fictional people and places and we create worlds and control lives with nothing but words.

So when the time comes to pull ourselves from those fictional places and we’re forced to interact with “normal” people, how do we do that? How do we talk to someone who doesn’t understand us and can’t even begin to?

Get Rid of That Attitude:

First and foremost, set aside the idea that someone who doesn’t write can’t understand you. Obviously the way your brain is wired is different than the brain of someone who isn’t a writer; that doesn’t mean your brain is more complex than theirs or more interesting.

One of my closest friends laughed at me and told me “no” when I told her she had a really good idea and she should write a book. She has no interest in being a writer and has no intention of changing her mind anytime soon.

I still love her to pieces. She lets me ramble to her about my stories and tells me to go write when I tell her I haven’t made my word count for the day. She teases me and coaxes me and bribes me to write. She gets excited for me when I reach a major milestone and is there for me when I’m stuck and need someone to commiserate with me.

She might not be a writer, but she’s there. She has made an effort to understand me and make my life a part of hers.

And then, as I mentioned in the dedication, my parents and sister have gone out of their way to let me be who I am, to understand me, to keep up with the way my brain works, and to not only tolerate but encourage my writing to thrive. So don’t ever think your brain is too special or weird for other people to understand. It’s not and you are so much better off for it.

Stop Making Writing Your Identity:

My brother-in-law isn’t a writer. But he codes like nobody’s business and understands the language of computers on a level I will never even begin to understand. He understands math and science when those things just make my head spin.

That doesn’t mean one of us has a better brain and that doesn’t mean that one of us is superior to the other. And it certainly doesn’t mean we can’t understand each other. I might not understand his coding just as he might not understand my writing. But neither of those things is who we are. Those are merely things we do.

It’s really easy for us as people to take on labels and make them our identity. But while I might be a daughter, a writer, a teacher, and a friend none of those things is my sole purpose or identity. While I might have different hobbies or interests, none of those things define me indefinitely.

It’s really easy to hide behind your writing identity- I say this as someone who is insecure and likes to hide behind anything I can get my hands on. So it’s easy to use your writing as a shield to keep everyone else at bay, to put a level of fantasy between yourself and reality.

But in the end, just like anything else, that box becomes so constricting and it will keep you from meaningful relationships.

Get Rid of the “Us” and “Them” Mentality:

I spend a lot of time with writers. They are “my people” and being with them I feel accepted and understood. In last week’s post I mentioned the judgement that often comes from the questions of non-writers and being around people who you know aren’t going to ask you those same questions is refreshing. You can be yourself- your strange, quirky self- and not have to worry about people judging you.

But guess what? People who don’t write are strange too. She insists she’s normal, but let me tell you, my sister is as quirky as they come (I mean that in the best way possible). She has all those little things about her that make her who she is and it’s wonderful.

But too often as writers we get so excited about the acceptance we find within our own “tribe” that we write off (no pun intended) relationships with people who don’t write, people who aren’t like us, because going out on that limb and making those connections is hard.

Life isn’t about finding our tribe. It’s about meeting people where they are and appreciating the unique perspective they bring to life. It would be super weird if the only reason my dad and I were able to have a relationship was because I worked that one summer at the same mortgage company as him. Or how out-there would it be if my mom’s only friends were other crossing guards?

My mom and I, we’re wired very differently and because of that she helps me see things I never would have otherwise. She keeps me grounded and brings strength to my weaknesses. She’s able to look at certain things more objectively than I am and I need her to offer that perspective.

Remember People Can’t Read Your Mind:

I asked some non-writers in my life about what they might want us writers to understand or keep in mind when talking to them. And there seemed to be a common theme in their answers.

Remember that people aren’t inside your head. When you start talking about a story the person you’re talking to doesn’t automatically know what story that’s from. And if you don’t specify that a character is fictional, people might even think you’re talking about a real person!

I tend to jump around from story to story when I’m writing and I just assume my family can keep up. But unfortunately, for all his amazing efforts to do so, my dad can’t if I tell him Thursday evening about the story I’m working and then switch to another story Friday morning without warning. When I start talking about the new story on Friday evening, he has no idea that I switched. He wasn’t there in my brain that morning or reading over my shoulder all day- thankfully- and so in his mind we’re still on the story from Thursday evening.

Same goes for fictional characters- just because you told your sister about that one character that one time, when you start talking about Sarah two weeks later she isn’t going to know who you’re talking about. And she’s quite possibly going to assume you’re talking about a mutual acquaintance with that name or that Sarah is someone you met recently. And just because she askes “Who’s Sarah???” in that tone that says she has no idea what you’re talking about, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care. It means she’s confused because she can’t read your mind. She doesn’t know Sarah isn’t a real person. She doesn’t know Sarah is yet another one of your characters in a very long line of your characters.

So just remember people can’t read your mind. Nor do they have any way of keeping up with it if you don’t explain things to them. It just takes a little extra mindfulness on your part and maybe an extra sentence or two. “So I switched stories I’m working on. I’m writing a sci-fi about cats who live on Mars. [Proceed into whatever you wanted to say]” or “You might remember me telling you about my character Sarah- she lives during the Great Depression and she and her brother are trying to find their father. [Proceed with whatever you wanted to say about her]”

In the End, Remember Life Isn’t About Writing:

A lot of my life revolves around writing- besides my own writing I also teach writing, blog about writing, read books to review so I dissect them on how they were written, and assist other with their own stories and writing. And when I’m not doing those things I’m consuming media and looking for the story in it just because that’s how my brain is wired- books, movies, shows, music, even television commercials.

But in the midst of all that God has been working in me to remind me that all those things that mean so much to me aren’t always the most important thing in the world. Not every situation needs me to analyze it from a literary angle and I don’t always need to equate everything to something that happens to one of my own characters or some other fictional character I love.

Sometimes my stories get in the way. Sometimes I get so caught up in fiction and the lives and problems of fictional people that I forget to be invested in the moment. I forget to look at the people in front of me- to really look at them and see them as something more than inspiration.

Remember to hit pause on your stories sometimes. Remember to hit play on life. Instead of going into conversations afraid of being judged, look for opportunities to learn about the people in front of you. Who are they, besides someone who has decided opinions about your chosen career or hobby? What makes them tick? What are their passions? What makes them laugh? What did they struggle with this week? What are they dreading or looking forward to in the week to come?

Look for opportunities to connect with people. If they were a fictional character you’d be all over getting to know them. Take that same interest in the people around you and you might actually find that they’re just as complex and intriguing as fiction. They too have stories to tell, if you only listen.

I hope to see you all on Friday for another review. Until the next time we meet, don’t forget to live happily ever after <3

~Jennifer Sauer, the Ivory Palace Princess

P.S. Let’s Chat! As a non-writer, what are some things you wish writers would understand? Or, as a writer, what are some things you’ve been learning lately about interacting with people?