***Warning: This post was written by a confused young woman and doesn’t contain any answers to the questions raised. You have been warned***
I hate being a writer.
Shocking, I know.
But, see, the thing is, writing is my happy place, my fun, fulfilling pastime.
It’s also my job.
And, now that I’m trying to be a professional and treat it more like my job, it’s starting to feel a lot more like work and a lot less like a happy place.
I have planned and plotted so many story ideas in the last few weeks. I have worked out all the little kinks and pushed through the plot holes. I’ve made them go from a simple thought or idea into a true story, all ready for writing.
And then I sit down to write and I’ve got nothing. I just feel completely empty.
It’s like the part of my brain that strings word together to make sentences and turns those sentences into stories is no longer functioning. It’s like that part of me is completely empty.
I have struggled the last few days, trying to figure out what to write about here. I’d get an idea for a post and go “yeah, that’s great” until I sat down to write it. And then, nothing.
It’s like I can’t even do that anymore.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I want to write. It’s not like I’m not trying, because I am. But it’s like my brain is unable to do that right now.
I don’t want to quit being a writer, but I sure hate it right now. I wish it was like a “regular” job where I could work on it and struggle and then leave it at the office when I got home at night.
But, writing is a calling, a way of life. It’s not something I can turn on and off like a switch.
So, when I can’t sleep and I’m plotting an idea at midnight, it’s hurtful because my mind keeps reminding me I probably won’t actually be able to write it.
Sadly, my brain is right.
And I am sick and tired of it.
The reason I write is because I want to share my stories with people. I want my ideas to not just be in my head, but to be something other people can read and talk about and enjoy.
So when I can’t share them, it feels like my entire existence as a writer is a waste of time and energy.
What’s the point in plotting a story I won’t be able to write? What’s the point in working on something I can’t actually put into words? What’s the point of pouring my time and emotions into something that is solely for my benefit?
Is there a point?
Because if sure doesn’t feel like it.
What it feels like is a waste of time. A waste of energy. A waste of life.
But, it also feels like all I have.
Since it’s summer, I don’t have a lot else going on. The writing class I teach and the Bible study I do childcare for both don’t start until September. So, while I don’t want summer to end because my sister is home and the end of summer means my sister is gone, I can’t wait for September.
Because then I’ll have other things to occupy my time with.
Things to get my mind off of the fact that I am a failure as a writer. But, I can’t actually quit my job because writing doesn’t work like that.
It’s something I’m stuck with, for better or worse, until the day I die. So, if dying’s the only way to get quit, I guess I’ll hold out. Because that’s not something I really want to do quite yet- dying, that is. But, that might just be the only reason why I'm holding on to this writer thing right now.
So I guess I’ll just keep up doing what I’m doing. I don’t really have many other options.
And, if you would like, you could pray for me, should you think of it:
- First of all, please pray that I fully depend on God for everything- including my words and inspiration.
- Second, that I stop stressing out about this and that my ability to “do words” comes back soon.
- Third, that I could stop stressing about the other things in my life, especially writing class, and that if it’s God’s will, I will have another few students.
- And, lastly, please pray that I don’t let my attitude about my temporary writing inability cross over into the other areas of my life and effect the way I deal with the people around me.
And, I’m really sorry that this is a depressing post without any answers to my questions. But, I did warn you after all.
I guess I’ll be posting on Friday, so if you have questions feel free to send them in. Those seem to be the one thing I can write these days.
Thanks so much for reading and caring. I appreciate you, faithful reader.
Until Friday, remember to stay awesome! I’ll see you then.