Acceptance Doesn't Equal Love

Hello, readers!!

At this point, I am sure some of you are wondering if I am in fact still alive. I am. And, I still very much love this blog. I am even working on getting things organized to make it even better!! So stay tuned for that....

In the meantime, this has been on my heart lately, and while it isn't a post about writing, it is a post I have written, so it counts, right?

As I grow older, the more people I talk to, the more I am hit with the idea that love and acceptance go together. Even when people don’t mean it that way, it comes across as “because I love you, I accept you.”

And, as I grow older and talk to more people, the more I am convinced that this is completely wrong.

I crave love more than anything else. I want people to love me. I want people to want me in their lives. I want to be special to people. When my kiddoes tell me I’m the best babysitter ever, that craving is fed and it is the most amazing feeling in the world.

But that doesn’t mean I want to be accepted. I don’t. I don’t want people to simply accept me. As much as I hate it, I want to be called out when I do something wrong. I want people to tell me how I can improve.

I want them to love me, yes. But if they truly love me, they won’t let me stay the way I am.

In our culture today we are hit with this wave of thinking that if you love me, you won’t ever disagree with me. You won’t ever express that you think I am wrong, that you know I’m wrong. You won’t ever ask me to change. I am who I am. If you don’t accept that, you don’t love me. I can push anyone away, call them judgmental, because we do not see eye to eye. And that is socially acceptable.

Acceptance is equal to love, we’re told. Challenging someone, questioning them, is equal to hate.

That is so wrong.

The people in my life who have made the biggest impact on me are the ones who loved me enough to keep me from simply staying where I was. They pushed me to be a better person. They refused to accept me. One of my closet friends in high school had a way of always knowing which questions to ask to make me admit what was wrong. She never allowed me to bottle things up because she knew that wasn’t healthy for me.

But I like bottling things up. I want nothing more than to avoid conflict and I hate talking about how I’m feeling because I do not want to burden people. But that wasn’t good enough for this friend. She pushed me. Harder than I wanted to be pushed. And she made me talk about things I didn’t want to talk about because I knew once they were voiced I would have to deal with them.

And then, guess what? She made me deal with them.

I didn’t want to. Never. That’s why I kept them hidden. But this friend loved me enough to push me past my breaking point, to challenge me. That’s not hate. That’s not judgment. I don’t think this friend is capable of hating or judging me. She is the sweetest, most loving person with the biggest heart. But if she can’t accept me, she’s just a bigot, right?

Or how about my mom? She’s not a writer. And a lot of times, I know she doesn’t understand the things I say or feel or do. So she questions them. Not out of hate or malice or a desire to hurt me, but because she does not understand. And even when I can explain it, even when I make it make sense, I still have to take a step back and examine myself. If she simply accepted me, chalked up everything she didn’t understand to me being a writer, I would never have to take a closer look at myself. I would never have to wonder if my obsession with my current story was healthy or not or if I am spending too much of my time in made up places and not enough in reality. I would be accepted, yes. But is that really love?

Alternately, when I was deciding whether I should get my nose pierced or not, I asked a few moms if my doing this would cause a stumbling block to their daughters in anyway. I know the girls look up to me and I didn’t want to do anything that would cause their moms to want to take them out of contact with me or make them think any less of me (again, because I want to be loved). All of the moms were super supportive and assured me that they saw nothing wrong with it.

But one of the moms added something else. She told me she was fine with it, that it would not affect her daughter in any way. But then she asked me why I was doing it. She challenged me in the most beautiful way to think about whether I was doing it just because I thought it would be a fun change or if I was doing it because of an unrest in my soul. She reminded me that only God can fill that sort of an unrest, that my completion is in Him not a piece of jewelry. And while I simply wanted to get my nose done because I thought it was cute and have for a very, very long time, I still greatly respect this mom because of what she said. She made me examine myself, ask myself if I did need to change or if I was looking for it in the wrong places. She accepted me, yes. But then she loved me enough to challenge me to be a better person.

I could go on and on. I have so many stories about people who have made me a better person because they loved me too much not to.

Love is something that finds you in the place you are. It envelops you in an embrace and tells you everything is going to be all right.

But love doesn’t leave you there. That’s acceptance. Acceptance is saying “Where you are is fine.”

But it’s not. As Christians, we are always working toward being more like Christ, so there is always room for improvement. And, those who believe evolution believe that we are constantly evolving, so we are always changing and growing. Improving.

So, if those two worldviews make up a good portion on the population, why is acceptance so widely taught?

I don’t want people to give me positive affirmation unless they mean it. Please don’t tell me “Good job” unless I actually did a good job. Don’t tell me I’m fine where I am, when I know I am not. Don’t tell me I’m fine even if I think I am.

Positivity is getting in our way. We’re so busy trying to build people up that it becomes a false sense of encouragement. It’s like building a wall with Styrofoam bricks instead of concrete ones. They look great, they seem to be doing the job. But they’re gonna crumble under the least bit of pressure.

What if instead we stopped being positive for the sake of being positive? What if we truly built people up by equipping them to be better people? What if instead of telling people they’re fine we pushed them to be even better?

Because I’m sure I am fine. But I don’t want to be fine. I want to be extraordinary. And not in the way your teachers teach in elementary school, where everyone is special. I mean I want to be pushed to be the very best person I can possibly be.

I want to be challenged. I want to be called out on my crap. I want to be given advice. I want to be told when I do something wrong.

Please speak to me with love. Please be kind. Please be gentle. But please, please, please, don’t accept me for who I am when you know full well that I can be better.

I know I am capable of extraordinary things. I know I can move mountains, I can change the world, I can start a revolution.

But being told those things, they don’t mean anything. Stop telling me I can make a difference, start challenging me about what sort of a difference I am making.

I think my best friend and I get along so well because we can be honest with each other. When she’s being ridiculous, I can tell her. When I’m overreacting, she tells me. I don’t need to be told that my feelings are justified. Believe me, I think that without your help. I need someone to say “Take a step back and breathe. Maybe the other person was just having a bad day.”

I have issues. Major ones. I know this better than anyone. And being told I am okay, being told it’s just who I am, it doesn’t help. It doesn’t make me a better person, it doesn’t help me in anyway. In fact, you’re hindering me when you say that.

Don’t affirm what I say. I don’t want a yes man. Don’t repeat back to me what I just said. Tell me what you’re thinking. Tell me ‘no’ if that’s what I need to hear. Tell me to calm down. Tell me to relax. Tell me to take a step back and examine myself. Challenge me. Push me. Love me.

But don’t accept me.

I never want to settle for mediocrity. And if you are someone who is okay with me settling, no matter how positive you are about it, it’s still a negativity I do not need in my life.

The Post About Waiting

You can get so confused 
that you'll start in to race 
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace 
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

 The Waiting Place... 

...for people just waiting. 
Waiting for a train to go 
or a bus to come, or a plane to go 
or the mail to come, or the rain to go 
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow 
or waiting around for a Yes or a No 
or waiting for their hair to grow. 
Everyone is just waiting. 

Waiting for the fish to bite 
or waiting for wind to fly a kite 
or waiting around for Friday night 
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake 
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break 
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants 
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. 
Everyone is just waiting. 

~From Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss

It is impossible to be in the conservative Christian community without having read at least one “purity book.” In my case, I’ve read several. More than several. Well, let’s be honest. I’ve read parts of more than several.

I’ve only read parts, because after one or two, it’s all the same information. Some people just tell it differently. But, the info’s the same.

But, I’m not here to post on the info you find within the pages of every book on purity. I’m here to post about what you don’t find within those pages.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am a twenty-year-old young woman who has never been in a relationship of a romantic nature. Which means I have never been on a date (unless you count the daddy-daughter kind), have never been kissed, and have never told someone I loved them before (in a romantic sort of way).

At this stage of my life, I’m in a waiting period. Waiting for a lot of things, but mostly waiting for the right young man to come and lay claim to my heart. Until that day comes, my heart is on reserve, being kept for “the One.”

So, what’s the problem? I mean, I’m following all the advice the books on purity give. I’m doing it all the right way, the way God wants me to. So, where does the trouble lie? Why am I writing this post?

Because there are so many things the writers of these books leave out. So many things they forgot to mention. And, I want anyone who is in this same place to know they are not alone.

So, things the books forget to mention:

They forget to mention what it feels like to wake up alone day after day. How it feels to fall asleep without another person beside you.

They forget to mention how much it hurts to see everyone around you pairing up and getting engaged or married. How in turn the hurt makes you feel like a horrible person because you want to be happy for the people in your life who have found what you so badly want.

They forget to mention how it feels to want something so badly, to long for it with every part of your being but at the same time be overwhelmed with the reality that you may never see the desire fulfilled.

They don’t mention the sleepless nights filled with tears, the empty afternoons when you don’t feel much of anything, the longing that stirs every time you read or watch any sort of romantic storyline (which is pretty often in our society).

They never offer advice on what to do when your friends are teasing you about someone and all you want to do is scream because you’re tired of people reminding you that, yes, you are still single. They never tell you how to tell your friends to stop because what you think of the person isn’t relevant. It’s what they think of you, and it’s obviously nothing, so it doesn’t matter if you like that person.

They never tell you how to deal with it when people tell you that you’re still single because “God knows the exact right time for it to happen and don’t you want to be the best person you can be when you meet them?” Which always sounds like “You’re not good enough yet and God knows it, so have fun waiting some more.” How do you deal with the insecurity, the desire to be “good enough”?

I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want it to hurt, I don’t want to cry or feel empty, and I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough. I struggle with insecurities enough as it is.

Yet, so often I feel like Rapunzel at the beginning of Tangled, going through the motions of my daily routine, all the while wondering When will my life begin?

But, here’s the thing: my life began on July 15th, twenty years ago, in a hospital in Syracuse, NY. For all you pro-lifers, I’ll even go so far as to say it began nine months before that, with two people so in love I grew out of the result of that love.

My life begins each morning when I wake up and decide I have to get out of bed, no matter how I’m feeling. It begins every moment, every breath I take. Every second is a choice to live.

Tomorrow is not promised to me. My next breath isn’t even promised. So, why am I wasting so much time waiting? Why am I putting a stamp on these years God has given me, one that says my life is in limbo instead of the paradise I can make it?

Contentment is hard. It is something I know I will not achieve every day. There will always be days when it hurts, when I want to cry or scream or even both. There will still be nights when I fall asleep alone, wishing I was falling asleep in someone’s arms.

But, I can still make an effort to strive toward contentment. I can march toward it, making that my goal, rather than a dream God may or may not fulfill.

Am I doing things with my time just to busy myself and make this period of my life go by faster? Or, am I doing things for the sake of doing them? Am I enjoying the opportunities God has given me? Or, am I rushing through them, missing the life I have now in hopes of a life to come?

I am not getting any younger. I don’t want to look back someday and regret not enjoying these years. Especially if I never end up married. How foolish will I feel then?

God has given me so many good things- the freedom to focus on writing and publishing; the opportunity to babysit some of the greatest kids ever; the chance to lead a book club of wonderful young girls; the opportunity to pass on my love of writing through my blog, and my students, and the young women in my life who have sought me out for advice and feedback; a sewing room full of projects just waiting for me to start or finish them; an entire library full of books, somewhere near 200, at least, and people I can share those books with; the freedom to stay up late talking to my best friend if I need or want to.

I’m not saying I won’t have these things or better things should I be in a relationship someday. I’m not saying I would have to give all of this up or make a trade, all of this for “true love.” I don’t know what my life will look like should God grant me that desire.

But, right now, my life is pretty amazing. And, I don’t want to let all of this pass me by simply because all of these things are not the one thing I really want. Because, honestly, I want all of these things too. And, I want to enjoy them while I have them, rather than rush through them to something new.

I want to make contentment my goal, my focus, the thing I am working toward. I want to strive to be the best writer/ teacher/ babysitter/ seamstress/ librarian/ blogger/ daughter/ best friend/ sister/ young woman I can possibly be. I want to live my life to the fullest, not mourning the things I do not have, but rejoicing in the things that I do. And then, should God see fit to send a young man my way, he will be a pleasant surprise instead of a necessity.

To end, another quote from Dr. Seuss:

NO! 
That's not for you! 

Somehow you'll escape 
all that waiting and staying. 
You'll find the bright places 
where Boom Bands are playing. 

With banner flip-flapping, 
once more you'll ride high! 
Ready for anything under the sky. 
Ready because you're that kind of a guy! 

How about you? Are you in a place of waiting or discontentment? What’s the hardest part of this period for you?

Love at First Hate

I’m trying not to be bitter.

But, it’s really hard.

Really hard.

See, my sister and I watched this hallmark movie last night, When Calls the Heart. It’s not the greatest of movies, but it was fun and there were some good parts.

Then, since the movie was okay, Danielle and I decided to start watching the TV show they based off of it. I knew that they had changed things from the movie to the show, but I didn’t realize how much.

See, there was this nice character who I liked, who the main character liked. Who was nice, and encouraging, and a great match for the main character. But, apparently Hallmark decided he wasn’t good enough. They replaced him with a new character. One the main character can’t stand and who feels rather the same about her. In the first two episodes (which is all I have seen thus far) they fight nearly every time they’re on screen together.

Because according to the media today, that’s love.

Why? Why does love have to start with hate? Why are all the good shows and movies and books featured around this idea that the couple has to start out hating each other?

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love a good they-met-and-sparks-flew story. Love. Them. But, they’re also getting old. Why do all the good relationships have to start with the couple hating each other? Why do we have to make they fight in order for them to love each other.

Now, on the other end of the scale, I’ll be honest and say I can’t stand love at first sight stories. Well, some are okay, but the whole idea of them falling in love as soon as they met and then spending the entire book mooning over how much they love each other isn’t my thing. That’s part of the reason why I still haven’t finished the first Heroes of Olympus book. Great story but the two main characters are driving me nuts!

But, why can’t we meet somewhere in the middle? Why can’t they start off as friends and have something grow out of that? Why can’t they be mildly indifferent toward each other before they realize they’re falling for each other?

Part of the reason I love Jane Austen’s Emma is because it’s a really well-done story about characters who are great friends and then they end up being more than that. Emma doesn’t hate Mr. Knightley and he doesn’t hate her. Quite the contrary. They’re friends, dear, true friends who realize that they’ve fallen in love.

In Elizabeth Eulberg’s Better Off Friends her main characters, Macallan and Levi, hit it off right away. They’re close as friends can be until the end when they realize their friendship has become more. Sure, they disagree and they fight like people are prone to do, but they never hate each other. Their relationship doesn’t have to start out with them fighting and angry and upset.

I think it’s actually dangerous for us to portray love as starting with hate. Because, in real life, is it really wise to marry the guy you do nothing but fight with? Sure, I know the message of Pride and Prejudice is that they fight because they don’t look beyond themselves. Same with Beauty and the Beast, they fight until they look past appearances into who the person really is. Which is powerful.

But, sometimes, when you look past appearances, the person still turns out to be a jerk. Or, not someone you’re compatible with. But, what the media teaches us is that as long as we feel great when we kiss, that’s all good.

I’m probably going to make some enemies here, but bear with me- in BBC’s television show Robin Hood, I in no way, shape, or form wanted Robin and Marian to end up together. Because all they do is fight or kiss. They say they love each other but they never show it.

But, it’s love because they say it is. Because when they kiss it’s passionate and beautiful. And, that’s all that matters.

Right?

Now, I’m not saying every story that features character who dislike each other before they fall in love is bad. There are plenty of them that I can name that I love. That are good, and well done, and have strong, positive messages.

But, if that’s all we’re feeding people, that’s where the danger comes in. If all we’re telling people is that if you hate him or her first and do nothing but tear each other down, they realize they aren’t so bad- usually after you kiss them- then it’s okay.

But, I’m pretty sure my mama taught me that kind of love is really called lust. And, it’s not really love at all.

If the characters can’t support each other, encourage them, or make the other a better person, they have no business being together. I’m not saying I feed into the whole “I’m not complete without a significant other” hype, but I also believe a relationship should change you for the better. Sure, maybe you’re complete without the other person, but when they come into your life, they should still encourage you to be a complete person.

They shouldn’t tear you down with their words, or their actions, or their attitude toward you. Yes, they can correct you; yes, they can challenge you; yes, they can question your words or actions. But, are their words coming out of love or hate? The “Badly done, Emma” scene is only as beautiful and painful as it is because it comes from love, not hate (if you don’t know what I’m talking about, go read or watch a version of Emma right this second)

As a writer, we should understand the power of words. Understand that they potentially have the power to change lives- for better or for worse.

So, why do we then use those words to write about characters who destroy others with their words in the name of love?

Shouldn’t we be using our words to write characters who build-up, who encourage, who demonstrate what true love really is? Shouldn’t we stop complaining about what the media is doing wrong and instead start flooding the media with that is right?

Because, I, for one, want my books to change people. Not hurt them.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I think I have some plots to go rewrite.

I’ll see you on Friday, for Candor Questions!

How about you? Are there any favorite stories of yours that don’t feature a Love-at-First-Hate relationship? Have you written any of these kinds of stories? Do you agree or disagree with my thoughts?