The Post About Waiting

You can get so confused 
that you'll start in to race 
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace 
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,

 The Waiting Place... 

...for people just waiting. 
Waiting for a train to go 
or a bus to come, or a plane to go 
or the mail to come, or the rain to go 
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow 
or waiting around for a Yes or a No 
or waiting for their hair to grow. 
Everyone is just waiting. 

Waiting for the fish to bite 
or waiting for wind to fly a kite 
or waiting around for Friday night 
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake 
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break 
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants 
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance. 
Everyone is just waiting. 

~From Oh, the Places You'll Go! by Dr. Seuss

It is impossible to be in the conservative Christian community without having read at least one “purity book.” In my case, I’ve read several. More than several. Well, let’s be honest. I’ve read parts of more than several.

I’ve only read parts, because after one or two, it’s all the same information. Some people just tell it differently. But, the info’s the same.

But, I’m not here to post on the info you find within the pages of every book on purity. I’m here to post about what you don’t find within those pages.

For those of you who don’t know me, I am a twenty-year-old young woman who has never been in a relationship of a romantic nature. Which means I have never been on a date (unless you count the daddy-daughter kind), have never been kissed, and have never told someone I loved them before (in a romantic sort of way).

At this stage of my life, I’m in a waiting period. Waiting for a lot of things, but mostly waiting for the right young man to come and lay claim to my heart. Until that day comes, my heart is on reserve, being kept for “the One.”

So, what’s the problem? I mean, I’m following all the advice the books on purity give. I’m doing it all the right way, the way God wants me to. So, where does the trouble lie? Why am I writing this post?

Because there are so many things the writers of these books leave out. So many things they forgot to mention. And, I want anyone who is in this same place to know they are not alone.

So, things the books forget to mention:

They forget to mention what it feels like to wake up alone day after day. How it feels to fall asleep without another person beside you.

They forget to mention how much it hurts to see everyone around you pairing up and getting engaged or married. How in turn the hurt makes you feel like a horrible person because you want to be happy for the people in your life who have found what you so badly want.

They forget to mention how it feels to want something so badly, to long for it with every part of your being but at the same time be overwhelmed with the reality that you may never see the desire fulfilled.

They don’t mention the sleepless nights filled with tears, the empty afternoons when you don’t feel much of anything, the longing that stirs every time you read or watch any sort of romantic storyline (which is pretty often in our society).

They never offer advice on what to do when your friends are teasing you about someone and all you want to do is scream because you’re tired of people reminding you that, yes, you are still single. They never tell you how to tell your friends to stop because what you think of the person isn’t relevant. It’s what they think of you, and it’s obviously nothing, so it doesn’t matter if you like that person.

They never tell you how to deal with it when people tell you that you’re still single because “God knows the exact right time for it to happen and don’t you want to be the best person you can be when you meet them?” Which always sounds like “You’re not good enough yet and God knows it, so have fun waiting some more.” How do you deal with the insecurity, the desire to be “good enough”?

I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want it to hurt, I don’t want to cry or feel empty, and I certainly don’t want to feel like I’m not good enough. I struggle with insecurities enough as it is.

Yet, so often I feel like Rapunzel at the beginning of Tangled, going through the motions of my daily routine, all the while wondering When will my life begin?

But, here’s the thing: my life began on July 15th, twenty years ago, in a hospital in Syracuse, NY. For all you pro-lifers, I’ll even go so far as to say it began nine months before that, with two people so in love I grew out of the result of that love.

My life begins each morning when I wake up and decide I have to get out of bed, no matter how I’m feeling. It begins every moment, every breath I take. Every second is a choice to live.

Tomorrow is not promised to me. My next breath isn’t even promised. So, why am I wasting so much time waiting? Why am I putting a stamp on these years God has given me, one that says my life is in limbo instead of the paradise I can make it?

Contentment is hard. It is something I know I will not achieve every day. There will always be days when it hurts, when I want to cry or scream or even both. There will still be nights when I fall asleep alone, wishing I was falling asleep in someone’s arms.

But, I can still make an effort to strive toward contentment. I can march toward it, making that my goal, rather than a dream God may or may not fulfill.

Am I doing things with my time just to busy myself and make this period of my life go by faster? Or, am I doing things for the sake of doing them? Am I enjoying the opportunities God has given me? Or, am I rushing through them, missing the life I have now in hopes of a life to come?

I am not getting any younger. I don’t want to look back someday and regret not enjoying these years. Especially if I never end up married. How foolish will I feel then?

God has given me so many good things- the freedom to focus on writing and publishing; the opportunity to babysit some of the greatest kids ever; the chance to lead a book club of wonderful young girls; the opportunity to pass on my love of writing through my blog, and my students, and the young women in my life who have sought me out for advice and feedback; a sewing room full of projects just waiting for me to start or finish them; an entire library full of books, somewhere near 200, at least, and people I can share those books with; the freedom to stay up late talking to my best friend if I need or want to.

I’m not saying I won’t have these things or better things should I be in a relationship someday. I’m not saying I would have to give all of this up or make a trade, all of this for “true love.” I don’t know what my life will look like should God grant me that desire.

But, right now, my life is pretty amazing. And, I don’t want to let all of this pass me by simply because all of these things are not the one thing I really want. Because, honestly, I want all of these things too. And, I want to enjoy them while I have them, rather than rush through them to something new.

I want to make contentment my goal, my focus, the thing I am working toward. I want to strive to be the best writer/ teacher/ babysitter/ seamstress/ librarian/ blogger/ daughter/ best friend/ sister/ young woman I can possibly be. I want to live my life to the fullest, not mourning the things I do not have, but rejoicing in the things that I do. And then, should God see fit to send a young man my way, he will be a pleasant surprise instead of a necessity.

To end, another quote from Dr. Seuss:

NO! 
That's not for you! 

Somehow you'll escape 
all that waiting and staying. 
You'll find the bright places 
where Boom Bands are playing. 

With banner flip-flapping, 
once more you'll ride high! 
Ready for anything under the sky. 
Ready because you're that kind of a guy! 

How about you? Are you in a place of waiting or discontentment? What’s the hardest part of this period for you?

The Beauty of Dreams

Before I commence with my regular post, I have a special announcement to make! Kit Parker – Book One: Why Rodney Never Should’ve Gone to the NAPIC has an official release date! [insert cheering] I have put the finishing touches on it and am waiting to hear back from the publisher about whether or not everything is in order.

So, I am proud to announce that my book will be available for purchase on Monday, May 12, 2014!!

If you haven’t already checked it out, make sure to read the synopsis and sneak peek of the book here: http://ivorypalace.blogspot.com/2014/04/sneak-peek-why-rodney-never-shouldve.html

And now, for this week’s post:

One of my favorite things about Tangled is the scene toward the end, when Flynn and Rapunzel are sitting in the boat, waiting for the lights to appear. I love these scene for many reasons, but for now I’ll just go into the one. As Rapunzel sits there, waiting, she expresses concern that maybe the lights won’t be all she hoped they would be. And, if they are, what then? All her life this has been her dream. So, if she fulfills it now what will she do with the rest of her life?

The part I love is Flynn’s response. He tells her, “Well, that’s the good part, I guess. You get to go find a new dream.”

As many of you know, I recently completed my book- the second book in the series I’m currently working on. I’ve been dying to finish this thing for a while now. I couldn’t wait to be done. And so, after I typed that last sentence- three little words: It’s a fact- I stared at the computer screen in disbelief.

I’d finished it.

I had actually finished it.

I couldn’t believe it. It actually took several minutes for the reality to sink in. And then I said, quite calmly to my parents, “Um, guys. I think I might have finished it.”

As the reality sunk in, I got more and more excited about it. I squealed some. Bounced up and down. Freaked out to my parents. Grinned like an idiot in Staples while I waited for it to be printed. Mentioned that we were celebrating several- several- times while we ate dinner.

And then, Saturday night, we got home and I sat down at my computer. To write. Because that’s what I’ve been doing for the last several weeks.

Only, I didn’t have anything left to write.

I’d finished it.

And, instead of feeling excited, or relieved, or pleased with myself for my accomplishment, I felt rather empty. Purposeless. For the last several weeks I have poured all of my time and energy into this little book. And now I had nothing. Nothing to invest in. Nothing to consume my time. Nothing to exert my energy on. I was done.

And, all of a sudden, that word- done- wasn’t such a nice word anymore. All of a sudden, it was the worst word I knew.

Because I wanted something else. Something to consume my time, my energy, and my passions.

I’m a writer, I realized. Without a story to tell, I’m nothing. If writer is the word I use to define myself then when I’m not writing what am I? If my stories are the thing that give meaning to my life then without them where is my meaning?

And, I came to realize that I think that’s how all of us are. We all have something that defines us, shapes us, excites us. We all have something with which we identify ourselves and our lives with. It’s the one thing which gives us purpose. That one thing which gives meaning to our lives. I think God wired us that way. For you, it may be something other than writing, but it’s something.

And, finally, I realized I needed to find myself a new project before all this emptiness drove me insane.

So, Sunday I did a little research and inspiration gathering, trying to decide what I wanted to work on next. There were so many possibilities, so many things I could write. I finally boiled it down to three stories: a time travel sci-fi, a modern adventure with secret agents, or a fairy tale mash-up retelling. I was leaning toward the fairy tale since I was kind of ready to work on something besides a modern story, after all the time I’ve spent on Kit Parker.

And then, Sunday night, I opened up a new Word document and began to type. And before I knew it, I had the first chapter for Kit Parker – Book Three written. And so, for now, I’m working on another modern adventure. And that’s okay. Because Kit Parker still ignites my passions. And, she gives me purpose.

How can I complain about that?

How about you? What is it in your life that gives you purpose or meaning?

Reclaiming Dreams

Whenever I get a new story idea, I feel like I’m in a dream. Everything feels so real, so alive, and I want to soak up every single moment of it. I want to capture it all into words before I wake up. Because, I always wake up. And, when I do, it all just slips away, as always happens when one leaves a dream. I can still remember everything, but the passion I felt, the life, it’s gone. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to reclaim it.

It’s gotten so that now, when I get an idea, it becomes a race against the clock. As if I need to get it all written before I wake up. Much like Cinderella needing to leave the ball before midnight, it’s as if I need to write each new idea before my enchantment ends. For, if I wake before the tale is told, it will go unfinished for all eternity. And, there’s nothing sadder than an unfinished story.

Which means my computer is actually a very sad place. You can ask any one of my family members and they will tell you I am notorious for starting books and never finishing them. But, the thing they don’t understand is that I don’t quit because I want to. I quit because I have no other choice.

Or, that’s how I feel, anyway.

I’ve been working on the sequel to the book I plan on publishing next. I’ve even made a vow to myself that I’m not going to publish book one until book two is complete. It’s a big goal for me because I’ve never actually written a sequel before. And, this last month I’ve been so excited about it.

And then, at the beginning of this week, I woke up. I didn’t even realize it at first, but I just sort of stopped even thinking about this story. All of the emotions and effort that had gone into it before just disappeared. I went from being so excited about it to not even really caring. I want to finish this story because I made a vow, because I want to publish book one. But, I don’t want to finish this story because I love it anymore. I’m awake now. And, I don’t know how to fall asleep again and dream the same dream.

I spent Friday night trying to write anyway because any professional writer knows that “just write” is the greatest cure to writer’s block known to man. And, it worked- for 85 words. That’s when I started crying. I cut off midsentence and everything. So, I set the book aside and decided to work on it the next day- because everything always looks brighter in the morning, right? After all, none of the great writers ever worked at night- they always worked in the morning.

Well, morning came and inspiration didn’t. I still feel nothing about this book. I still have only one reason for wanting to write it. I now have a new story idea begging me for attention. But, I’m still going to finish what I started.

Because, living in a dream is no way to live at all. Waiting for passion and inspiration is no way to become professional, no way to get a job done. So, I started a document of ideas for my new story and I’m locking it away until my sequel is done. And, tomorrow, I’m starting Camp NaNoWriMo (https://campnanowrimo.org/sign_in) where I intend to get this baby finished if it’s the last thing I do. I’m going to write like there’s no tomorrow even if what I write doesn’t mean anything to me. I don’t know how well my story is going to turn out, but a finished flop is better than an unfinished bestseller. Because, a book can’t sell if it isn’t written. And, unlike the real world, dreams don’t come from lying around, from relaxing. They come from hard work and determination. The only way to rediscover passion is to look for it by dedicating myself into the thing I want to be passionate about.

I’m going to finish this book because I am tired of feeling like a quitter. It is so easy for me to feel uninspired, to grow distant from my work and just give up. But, every time I do, I feel like a piece of me dies. Like, something precious is stolen away from me, only there’s no way to apprehend the thief because the thief is me. Giving up is the best way to cheat yourself. Because, it’s so easy to lie to your heart and tell yourself you’re making the right choice. It’s easy to say that you can’t do something. But, as one of my dearest friends is always saying, “The man who says he can and the man who says he can’t are both right.”

I may have woken up from my beautiful dream. I may never get my passion and fire for this book back. But, I doubt that’s true. I think, all that it takes to reclaim a dream is to pretend you never woke up. To keep going until you’ve fooled your heart into thinking you’re asleep again. Because, if we can fool ourselves into quitting why can’t we fool ourselves into winning too?

I don’t know how this book is going to turn out. But I’m going to finish it. And, I’m going to keep safe that piece of me that dies when I quit. Because, there’s only so much of me and I really want to live. Because, as Peter Pan once put it, “To live would be an awfully big adventure.”

And, what writer isn’t looking for a grand adventure?

How about you? Do you have a dream you’re trying to reclaim? Do you have any special method for regaining inspiration once it’s gone?